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A Lost Boy

There's a lot of time to think and not enough to keep me occupied nowadays. There are things at the surface of my mind that my soul automatically clings onto and take me down a dark spiral -

  • I'll never be good enough.
  • I've finally ran out of ideas.
  • I'm wasting my life away.
  • I don't like who I've been made to become.
  • I'll never find myself again.

I let somebody break me and I don't remember the previous one as disorientating. Someone said everyone goes through it but it doesn't feel like anyone has - there's no way anyone has ever been screwed over like that and only I believed that pain. Something in me died and I'm looking for something I can never find again.

My work won't impress my younger self anymore. I was just starting to get better but my progress seems stagnant. I was the fastest mind to make all those connections but I think getting screwed over extinguished my spark. I'm barely glowing anymore.

By day, I pretend to be the boy I was and by night, I get depressed. Some nights become relapses and I can only let the floodgates open to pour out sorrows and frustrations. I survived then but I wish I didn't. Everything seems heavier and I'm not getting stronger, only more skilled at living with the lactic acid accumulation. 

I don't have many friends here. Most people that would listen, understand and let me be the lost boy I really am inside are at least an ocean away. I'm mostly numb from the pain nowadays but I wish I could feel magical again. 

The future is daunting. I keep telling myself everything will get better upon graduation but there's a tiny voice that says I'll never get to where I want to be and I wish I didn't believe it. Travelling and meeting good souls make me happy. I wish I can afford more of that.

I just want to be okay but I don't know how. I'm exhausted from being strong and I wish someone would take me home again.